


Full body high, I'm never coming down

by goth_on_ham



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Bisexuality, Character Study, Dubious Consent, F/F, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Trans Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 09:42:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14639202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goth_on_ham/pseuds/goth_on_ham
Summary: Barbara’s journey, charted through her sexual experiences. There have been highs and lows, but at long last, she is a Queen.





	Full body high, I'm never coming down

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the song Black Me Out by Against Me!
> 
> I did my best to research for this, looking into transgender women’s accounts about their sexual experiences with men and women and how this changed throughout their transition and how this interacted their gender identity. I don’t claim to be an expert on this topic, but I hope that some people out there get something out of this nonetheless.

Barbara had been afraid to tell Jim.

He was the first man she had been with since her surgery. There had been others before, but none before she was being consistently read as a woman, with no one questioning what was or wasn’t between her legs.

The men before had been a different sort from Jim. Uncouth and certainly ungentlemanly. The kind who grabbed first and asked her name later. They would act like Mr Macho in front of their friends and quickly drop her hand if they were spotted together in public, but then they would beg to be fucked by her when they were alone in a hotel room. After her insecure teenage years, when she would put up with a lot more bullshit in a vain attempt to gain their affection, she eventually learned not to indulge them. 

She remembered one guy in particular. Handsome, rough around the edges, and definitely hiding something. He had really wanted her to bend him over, and when she had insisted that wouldn’t happen, he had pleaded to at least be allowed to suck her off. 

When she refused, he had stormed out of the room in a huff. 

The next day, when she had seen him in a college lecture, he had been snickering with his friends and calling her a faggot. 

The only good thing that had came from dealing with guys like that was a thick skin. 

Girls were easier. 

Sure, some had reservations when she showed up on a date, looking a little different from her overly flattering, carefully angled profile picture, but most took it in their stride.

They were also more careful. They didn’t just go straight for her junk. They kissed and caressed more easily, with less fear of being branded a freak by association.

Until Jim, she went through a five year period of only going out with women. Renee was her longest lasting partner, and while intimacy had been a stumbling block for her to begin with, she cared for Barbara enough to adjust. For the first time for as long as she could remember, Barbara felt like she was loved.

Renee was a lesbian, and the fact that she wanted her made pre-operative Barbara’s heart soar.

When they broke up, Barbara was hurt, but one thing she did know was that it had nothing to do with her transition. Renee told her that, and Barbara could always tell when she was lying. She wasn’t lying then. 

That helped. Not a lot. But a little.

Then came Jim.

Jim was straight.

Before she told him, she chewed on her bottom lip until it hurt. 

Straight men were the worst. 

They were the ones she read about most on the news, having beaten or even killed some trans woman for daring to exist or worse, wanting to be loved. 

She didn’t think Jim would hurt her, but she liked him. She really did. That made it more difficult.

She wished that she didn’t have to tell him.

She didn’t want to ruin things.

But it would be worse if she didn’t, because it would come out later. He’d meet her parents and they’d slip up, call her by the wrong name, or leave out an old photograph. They were good at doing that.

She knew that they had never really accepted her.

Eventually she had given up trying. The only thing she was grateful for regarding her parents was their wealth. On a purely practical level, it had made things easier for her. Their money paid for therapy and hormones and surgery. They weren’t happy about that, but they didn’t stop her either. They knew that if they tried to, she would have used the money they gave her for rent and food and school on her medical expenses anyway.

Barbara wasn’t used to acceptance. Renee had, some of her college friends had, and some of her girlfriends had. But she still didn’t expect it. Even from someone she loved.

When she finally got the words out to Jim, he paused, his hand over hers tightened a little, but then went loose, gentle. His eyes didn’t glaze over and become hard, like she’d feared. Instead, they were soft, kind. 

He said that he loved her, and that was that. When she pressed him, he shook his head a little, admitted that he hadn’t seen it coming, that it was a shock, and he’d probably have questions later, but for now… He still wanted to be with her. 

Maybe it was easier for him because she had already had her operation, had already been living full time as a woman for years by the time they met… But honestly, in that moment, Barbara didn’t care. 

Barbara wanted to be loved, and Jim was the first man to date her that had seen her as the woman she was, and not some sexual experiment for his own gratification.

Barbara kissed him, practically dragging him over the table for the kiss, and that night they had sex for the first time.

Jim was still a man though, so after some kissing and grinding, his hands went straight to between her legs, but this time… There was a warm opening between them, eager for attention, whereas her penis had almost always struggled to maintain any sort of hardness.

It was the best sex she had had since Renee, and the best that she had until Tabitha. 

Tabitha was another story altogether. 

She was rough and straightforward, and Barbara had never been with a woman like her. Back when she had been a ‘good girl’, she never would have dared. 

Tabitha wasn’t fazed when she told her, even though she had already slept with her by that point. Barbara had meant to get it out in the open before then, but things had moved so quickly. 

When Tabitha got rough with her, it was different to when the men in her past had. She wouldn’t demand things of Barbara that Barbara didn’t want to do. She wouldn’t storm off in a huff if there was something she wanted to do that made her uncomfortable. 

She also didn’t mind if Barbara slept around, but when Barbara was with a man, and that man disrespected her, Tabitha was always there to put him in his place. 

If they assumed she still had a cock, and pushed needily at Barbara to fuck them, Tabitha would take them by the arm and pull them aside, and say that she would be more than happy to oblige them with one of her strap ons. They would wither then, and shake their head all pitifully, and Barbara would shoo them away and take Tabitha to bed instead.

Then she died. 

Ra’s brought her back. 

He knew everything about her, before she even said a thing. It scared her. 

He didn’t seem to flinch at anything in her past. Whether it was blood, past lovers, transition, or boundless ambition. For a man over two-thousand years old, he understood her surprisingly well. Part of her knew he was using her, but she told herself that she was using him too. 

He wasn’t her one true love, but in the end, he gave her an army. He brought Tabitha back to her. 

So it wasn’t all bad.

It had been a long and bumpy road to get to where she was. 

But at long last, she was approaching something close to happiness. 

She was no longer the ‘good girl’ she had aspired to be, back when the world had seen her as nothing more than a slightly nervous, slightly chubby, and overly eager to please adolescent boy. 

She was more than that. 

She was the Queen of Gotham.


End file.
